"And... there." I stood back to admire my handiwork. With my "Orthodontist of the Month" certificate hanging proudly on my wall, I suddenly felt very professional. Last week I had been featured in
Smile Weekly, the dentist equivalent of Vogue, for my "alluring canines and smooth molar curves". The article went on to expound on the general attractiveness of my wisdom teeth and incisors, and concluded with the line, "Ms. Victoria Secret is living proof that inner beauty can exist without outer beauty."
Feeling awfully chuffed and pleased with myself, I spun around several times in my swivel chair, giggling like a schoolgirl in white - until I turned around to face a schoolgirl in white.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I gushed as I flustered to regain composure. "You must be my new patient. What's your name?"
"Weng Hong," she replied, tossing her long luscious hair like a Pantene commercial model. She kind of reminded me of Lucius Malfoy with his long platinum-blonde hair, only... well, she was Asian and she was a girl.
I tried to strike up a conversation. "So how old are you?"
"15."
"Doing fine in school?"
"Yeah."
Her lips were pursed in a surly frown, her fringe draped over her expressionless eyebrows. Okay, maybe not Malfoy. Probably the sort of girl who wore dark eyeliner and studded vests in her free time. Poker faced. Floppy hands. Frumpy hair. Not very pleasant, but nevertheless.
"Alright, I want you to lie back in that chair and open your mouth nice and wide for me, okay?" I flashed a practised and well-Botoxed smile at her. Maybe she'd open up if I tried to be friendly. I did what I'd learnt in my body language class - fling my arms open in a proclamation of acceptance.
Thwack!
My assistant fell to the floor, unconscious. Immediately, twenty heads belonging to twenty orthodontists popped around the door.
"What's going o- is that Amelia lying on the floor?!?" A single accusing finger shot out and pointed at the damning evidence while the twenty heads swung left and right in chiding unison.
"Uh, no," I smiled, hastily withdrawing the guilty fist. "Amelia's just, uh... taking a nap. That's right! Poor thing, she's absolutely beat after working for so many hours!"
"It's only eight in the morning," one head observed.
"Um... you mean you didn't know?" I widened my eyes in faked surprise. "Amelia's brother's uncle's nephew's cousin's mother's niece's father's daughter lost her job, so Amelia's been working as a fortune cookie writer at Fatt Man Eating House every night to support her."
"Oh." The twenty heads hesitated for a moment, then disappeared off into their own cubicles. I heaved a sigh of relief. My "Orthodontist of the Month" title was safe, for now.
"You did knock her out. I saw you." I turned around to see Weng Hong swinging her legs and looking at me intently. Damn, I'd almost forgotten she was still there.
"It was an accident," I protested. "I really didn't mean to - "
"Whatever." She flopped onto the dentist chair, which groaned under her Jabba the Hutt Butt. "Can we start?"
I grabbed a pair of disposable gloves and snapped them on. I hated the gloves - they reeked of a thin Milo brew, and always left white powder on my hands that made me feel... unglamorous.
"Okay... open plea - Whaooprghff!" I stumbled back as the overpowering stench of rotting oxtail stew flooded my nostrils.
"Sorry," she said as she hurriedly closed her mouth. "I ate garlic spaghetti for lunch yesterday," she added helpfully.
"Great." My eyes were rolling uncontrollably, and my head hurt. I reached for a clothespin and attached it firmly to my button nose.
Steady now, I told myself. You're the Orthodontist of the Month! Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale...
"Okay, I'm ready," I said, gripping my torture equipment with unnecessary strength. "Say 'Ahh'."
As soon as she said 'Ahh', I realized I'd made a huge mistake. Wads of broccoli, fish cutlets and terrapin meat began flying from her mouth, shuttled through the air by gobs of spittle.
"Expletive!" I swore as I wrenched myself dry. "Is this what you ate last night?"
"Actually, the terrapin meat was three weeks ago," she blushed.
God, what did adolescents today think toothbrushes were for? Goddamn twerps - inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
"Okay, let's have another go," I said. "This time, just open your mouth real slow, okay?"
"Mhmm." As she opened her mouth, a fresh wave of nauseating aromas invaded the atmosphere. The clothespin wilted a little, but nevertheless held firm. Good.
I peered cautiously into her mouth. Stalagmites and stalactites of brine and hydrocarbon molecules rose up from between her teeth. Gingerly, I began probing and scraping at them until -
"There's... there's stuff swimming around your saliva," I said uncertainly.
"Oh, those? They're sea monkeys," she replied.
"Sea monkeys?!?"
"Yeah, I got them out of a magazine cut-out order form." She stared at me intently. "Is there something wrong?"
"Um, not really." I tried to look unperturbed, and phailed superbly. This girl was insane! I took another glance at her cavernous mouth.
"Why are there barnacles growing on your braces! Expletive! Censored! Boomz!" I screamed and backed myself against the wall.
"They're rich source of calcium. I thought everybody knew that." She got off the chair and started advancing towards me, a malicious glint in her eye. Definitely Lucius Malfoy.
"Stay away from me!" I sobbed as I slumped onto the floor.
"Why? Why? Why?" she spat. With each 'why', things began spewing out of her mouth and entering mine: artichokes, sardine, salmon, frisbees, blood, amphibians, gnats, beasts, diseases, boils, hail mixed with fire, locusts, darkness, dead Egyptian first-borns, 6 egg yolks, 1 cup of sugar, 2 cups of whipped heavy cream, 1/2 a cup of light rum, 5 egg whites, a pinch of salt, 1/3 a cup of sugar, 2 cups of milk, cooking spray, 2 cups of granulated sugar, and 1 teaspoon of corn syrup...
*o_O*
----
World's worst nightmare written by the world's worst writer. Beat that Ryan! =D
Either my dentist had this dream just before she came to work, or I really do have Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs. At any rate, she went "Oh my God" when I entered the room, and I'm pretty sure my shirt was tucked in and my fly was zipped.
Apparently my teeth have been growing the wrong way for quite a while because I accidentally purposely missed three appointments. This means some severe corrections that will render me speechless for the next 365x80 days or so.
Expletive.
Every time I glance downstairs I see Dad stealing Tim Tams from the fridge. And I don't see Mum threatening to sell
him off.
Where's the fairness in that?
*Gah, who cares about fairness. I just went down to get myself two Tim Tams anyway.*
Yeah! Tim Tam the chocolatey breakfast cereal!
They'd be my favourite biscuit if they weren't so awfully expensive. D=